I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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