If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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