So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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