I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize