when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Randomize
