You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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