and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
