I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
