i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
