I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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