just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
