i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize