I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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