Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
