I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
