Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
