Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
