I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
