I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
