Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
