bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
