I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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