38 yer olds are good kisserssss
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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