I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize