dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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