It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
