I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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