Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
please come you make the beer taste better
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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