do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
