Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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