dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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