I can text with my tongue
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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