she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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