i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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