Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
