I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
