How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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