I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
