you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
