Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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