When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You know, be my cock's hype man.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
