The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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