11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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