I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
