wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
