My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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