mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
