i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
