I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
