I can tuck mytits in my pants
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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