Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
