i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
