There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
