I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
