Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
