the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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